Crowds gathered today in the the grounds of Balnocky Castle, Troon to witness the annual festival of "The Lofting of the Argyle Pie". At precisely 23:23pm the the hour at which it is said, in 1865, Kevin Lummocks, head of the Clan Lummocks of Argyle, catapulted the legendary Argyle Pie from the walls of the castle, and killed Sir Nedwin Trill outright. Sadly reports from north of the border indicate that this years festival has been plagued with failures and disappointment. At the signal, Mr.Gravy-Boats of Shilbottle Northumberland, holder of the office of Red Nobby, traditional bearer of the Light of Argyle, leant forward and loaded the carefully prepared pie into the mouth of the 8lb Canon used to loft the first pie of the weekend. Sadly a misplaced butane charge, coupled with high winds and two litres of Smoffnir consumed earlier in the evening by Mr. Boats resulted in the sudden detonation of the canon. Closely followed by the detonation of Red Nobby, and, sadly, the near destruction of the 136 year old scotch pie. Paramedics and caterers were called to the scene but sadly neither the pie nor Mr. Boats could be resuscitated. Only Mr. Boats nose, ears and feet remained. The caterers were heard to say that the pie had been destroyed in a way that only "Archies Van" could understand. Later a spokesman for the Ancient Order of Pie Men read a prepared statement in which it was made clear that; in accordance with Mr. Boats Last Will & Testament his remains would be ground up and used as the raw materials for next years pie. Footnote: Allegedly Albert McGrukle, Chief Pyrotechnical of the Argyle Association of Pie and Flan Lofters was removed from the area of the castle following an incident in which he was found to be carrying four feet of pre stressed cordwangle and two litres of drippage.