Archie Buttonhole, a self confessed Do-it-yourself fanatic, was convicted yesterday afternoon in the Scremerston courthouse for publicly removing his own hemorrhoids. One witness described the ordeal as "a sight for sore eyes" and is now undergoing psychiatric treatment, while another witness was quoted as saying "Although I was standing only inches away from the defendant, I still could not decipher what were hemorrhoids and what were not". She was sure he would end up nut less and is therefore suing Mr. Buttonhole for what she describes as "Rectumpence" In his defense, Archie described how the hemorrhoids had slowed him down over the last few weeks. He went on to say that it was vital he stay fit and healthy as he was in training for the All-Northumberland Mouse Swallowing Championships which are being held at Snitter in the last week of March The judge, Mr. Quentin Hartley-Scunnered, fined Buttonhole 150 pounds, and ordered him to remove the severed hemorrhoids from the "Welcome to Scremerston" sign within the next seven days