In Thursday’s final of the tenth Women’s world Horse-shite Throwing Championships, at the new Ratcheugh Stadium of Fog, Ms. Salmonella Queasy from Shilbottle, near Alnwick, showed the world what we Northumbrians are made of. Sam, as she likes to be known threw a five kilogram ball of fresh horse-shite for an amazing twenty one metres. She beat off stiff competition from the Eastern bloc, one of whose athletes failed an elementary gender test, Said Ronald Tweezer, chairman of the world governing body for the sport. “They had a bloody nerve entering her, or should I say him. We could all see his credentials hanging down below his shorts”. The competition was held up for an hour after the Australian competitor, Adelaide Bott, accidentally hit a bystander with her first throw. The bystander, a Japanese business man called Hoya Sahama, was airlifted to hospital where he amazed doctors with his rapid recovery, when he woke from his coma to say, “I find the lules of cliket diffcalt to complehend”. All our congratul- ations must go to Sam who returns home to a civic welcome and the freedom of Shilbottle and no doubt more strenuous training with those monster balls.