Sadly, once again, the town of Alnwick has been griped by the awful disease Fairvine Alniform Incredulous Ridiculopothy, despite frantic attempts by local doctors and medical laboratories to combat this terrible affliction. F.A.I.R. attacks the brain of it’s victim, creating a state of great delusion, in which the sufferer feels a desperately overwhelming need to dress in outlandish costume and perform in strange rituals, in the mistaken belief they are entertaining or amusing in some way. For decades F.A.I.R. has plagued the town, affecting many hundreds of people, normally reaching epidemic levels for about a week in the summer. Although F.A.I.R. is not considered as being contagious, dozens of new cases are reported annually, including tourists, who then feel compelled to return in costume to Alnwick. Norwegians are particularly susceptible to F.A.I.R. Despite years of observation and research, a cure for the disease has not yet been found, due to the way it constantly mutates. In the past, the symptoms of F.A.I.R. displayed a strangely mediaeval theme in both costume and ritual. In recent years the symptoms have become as diverse as they are perverse. Victorians, Vikings, a man dressed as a vitamin pill, pirates, politicians, Fred Astair and Ginger Rodgers Quakers, a gerbil, Zulu warriors, women dressed as frogmen, the cast of “Gone with the Wind”, King Kong, Cowboys and Lawrence of Arabia, complete with camel, are typical. The ritual elements of F.A.I.R. seem to change at a much slower rate and some have changed little since they were first performed but are still completely baffling to those who have witnessed them. For example, a well known ritual involves a group of men, variable in size but never of even number, dressed in uniforms originally worn by Bell boys employed at the Savoy Hotel in the 1920’s, an industrial skip, full of rusty water, in which a young woman referred to as Winch is placed, and a seesaw, while accompanied by a man dressed as Dick Turpin who rings a bell and shouts “Onions”! Unfortunately, as with most spectacles, outbreaks of F.A.I.R. attract large crowds, the media and commercial interest, all of which helps perpetuate the delusions suffered. F.A.I.R. also has a bizarre cult following known as The Fairies. Fairies dress in costume and perform the rituals at conventions all over the world, although none of them are actually victims of F.A.I.R. Each year more Fairies are heading for Alnwick to join this insane circus.  The future looks bleak for the town.