At a press conference held by the Organizing Committee of Alnwick Fair outside the shambles toilets this morning, Public Relations Secretary Frederick Marc Anthony Drop-Bollock said “I would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to the people of our fair town and the readers of Northumberland Glimmer in particular and say ‘well done’ for what was surely the best fair ever! Despite the horrendous weather on Opening Day, a crowd of over fifteen people thronged the route of the procession through Bondgate. Counting the marching band, this meant that in fact the real turnout was even bigger! Other memorable events included: the fascinating demonstration of shrew strangling by local shrew-strangling expert Herbert Dipp; the barnstorming rendition the of ‘The Damnation of Faust’ by Wooler’s Triangle & Two-Wooden-Sticks Philharmonic; and who could ever forget local comedy double-act Lord Charlton Ghengis Fishcake & Gav, who charmed us all with their inspired impromptu skit, ‘Two Drunken Fools Reading Out Pub-Quiz Answers’. Priceless! I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to hear that we are thinking even bigger for next year! Without wanting to give too much away, we hope to replace the marching band in the procession with a man banging a dustbin lid and whistling, while entertainment in the Market Place should include if all goes well an exciting new event, ‘Celebrity Duckings’. Already penciled in to appear are Look North presenter Carol Maglia and that ginger lass who used to play Spuggy on Byker Grove but doesn’t any more; Julia Roberts tbc (note: we have had to do away with the water for this event, but ‘air-ducking’ was considered still in the spirit of the original tradition by the Organizing Committee). Other events still in the blueprint stage include ‘Die Fleidermauss’ on kazoos, the Curdling Milk By Staring-At-It competition and local schoolchildren dressed as Dickensian poorhouse-drudges formation dancing to ‘The Only Way Is Up’ by popular beat combo Yazz and The Plastic Population”.