The picturesque Northumbrian coastal village of Bamburgh has finally, yet spectacularly, celebrated the dawn of the new millennium, though three years and one month later than the rest of us. In an orgy of drug fueled sexual debauchery, sadistic violence and blood lust, set to a backdrop of burning effigies and the squealing of pigs, the inhabitants of Bamburgh, known in some parts as “the village of the dammed” and in others as “that dammed village”, twitched, staggered and gyrated their godless way into the 21st Century. Reverend Vladimir Cantle, chairman of the Bamburgh Millennium Committee and Vlad the knife, the bloody butcher of Budle to his parishioners, explained the reason for the three year delay. “Our calendar is actually three years and nineteen days behind everyone else’s, so in Bamburgh today it is 1st day of 2000. You see, when the Gregorian calendar started in the thirteenth century, Bamburgh was never informed and the village had already developed an annual cycle, basically “nay bugga telt us”, not bad though when you consider we are only three years and one month out! Mind you, we have thirteen months in our year and none of them have names just symbols. We discovered the difference after decimalisation then strange new coins fell from the pockets of lost travelers when they were hung upside down, so someone was sent to the “outside” to investigate. It was decided that we would keep our calendar as it is as nobody could be “fashed” to change it”. The grand finale to the nights festivities was the burning of a huge wicker woman rowing a huge wicker boat, the screams of those trust up inside could be heard clearly in Seahouses.