A dire warning has been issued by the terrorist group ‘ProCrasterNation’ an organization dedicated to securing independent nation status for the sleepy fishing hamlet on the Northumberland coast Wearing a ski-mask made of kippers, a spokesman for the PCN read out the following prepared statement in front of the premises of L. Robson and Sons Traditional Fish Smokers: “For too long, the people of Craster have been held in bondage by an uncaring and evil dictat. Why, should Craster at the behest of this tawdry junta be forever associated the world over with kippers, and the processes of kipper smoking? We, the freedom fighters of the ProCrasterNation, seek full independence from the mainland that is sucking us dry of our kipper-related revenue, and keeping us in our penury as kipper-smokers and kipper-smokers only. When the glorious day comes, we will throw off the shackles of such cheap stereotypes, and reclaim our lost heritage as one of the prime herring-salting centers in the western hemisphere.’ The chilling statement continued: ‘What our campaign of violence, terror and bloodshed will entail, we haven’t quite decided yet. But we’re having another meeting on Tuesday behind the smokehouse, so we’ll fax you the minutes if you like. Unless it rains. You’ve got a fax machine, right? Hold on, who’s got a pen?’ However, doubt was cast on the true nature of the PCN by Mr. And Mrs. King Norbert Ratpoke I, who regular readers will remember were last year appointed rulers of the newly-formed principality of Amble. ‘Wey marra, it’s just a keyse o’ “Owt ee cn dee, aken dee berra” leyk,’ His Majesty Mr. King Norbert Ratpoke I told me from his official residence, hanging over the gate at 33 Cob-On Lane, Amble. ‘Thuz jealous o’ us an’ waz prink-i-pality steetus the kippa-smerkin’ bastods wannie ootdae us forrit. Wey al tell ya sern, thill nivva ootdae Amble, the kippa-smerkin’ bastods.’ The principality was first created when Blyth Valley Council rejected planning application for a new Happy Shopper mini-mart on the site of the old Fake Vomit Inc. factory. The argument quickly escalated, and independence was first declared in a bloody coup at a council meeting last September*. Suprisingly at the time, unanimous votes of support for the busy harbour-town’s stance rained in from the likes of Alnwick, Alnmouth, Longhoughton, Warkworth, Guyzance, Acklington, Felton, Widdrington, Ulgham, Lynemouth, Morpeth and Blyth. Claims were substantiated by the fact that in line with that other great Coastal principality Monaco, Amble regularly staged it’s own Grand Prix; albeit with souped-up Vauxhall Novas, Fiat Pandas and Ford Corsas in place of the more conventional Formula One cars. However, the fact that the Amble rally is held every evening rather than annually, was felt to more make up for this. A subsequent proposal to twin Amble with Monte Carlo is awaiting ratification by Prince Rainier. When the government ever conscious of public feeling and things like crime figures finally rubber-stamped the deal, a fantastic effort by locals saw the erection a fifteen foot stainless steel border wall, complete with checkpoints, guard towers (plans to fully rebuild Warkworth Castle have been mooted at this point), snarling dogs and the latest infrared surveillance technology. Apparently the citizenry of Alnwick and Ashington are still taking it in turns to maintain a full guard over the perimeter. *Although rumors that the coup was initially instigated because the meeting had run out of spotted biscuits to go with the tea have abounded ever since, these remain unsubstantiated at the time of this site update.